When You Hate Your Child's Music: How 'Terrible' Songs Can Build Better Relationships
The other day, a parent asked me, "How can I get my kid interested in better music? The music she likes right now is just SO terrible. I hate the example the lyrics are setting and I hate the suggestive nature of it. What do you suggest to get her interested in other music?"
They didn't like my follow up question: "What does she like about it?"
We've all been there. It must be generational code. Back in my day, music was so much better. Or maybe we just dislike our kids' music because it's too loud, too angry, too sexy, too something.
But what if you could connect with your child over their "poor" taste in music? And your poor taste in music for that matter. That's right, they might not like your music either!
Here's what I'm suggesting: playing a "what song plays if/when" scenario game AND pairing it with a concept from positive psychology called strength spotting with the VIA character strengths.
The Science Behind Using Music for Parent Child Connection
Music itself is a uniquely powerful tool for human connection and self expression. Songs often give us the words we might not be able to find ourselves, making it easier to share something meaningful about our inner world. Dr. Daniel Levitin's research demonstrates that music engages multiple brain regions simultaneously, making it an ideal medium for emotional connection and memory formation. When children share their musical choices with parents, they're making what researchers call a "bid for connection," offering a window into their thoughts and feelings through lyrics and melodies that resonate with them. This musical sharing creates opportunities for understanding that might be more difficult to achieve through direct conversation alone.
Research in positive psychology shows us that when parents focus on identifying and nurturing their children's character strengths rather than fixating on deficits, several powerful things happen. When you pair music sharing with identifying character strengths, these effects become even more pronounced:
Trust and Connection Building: When we approach our children with genuine curiosity about their inner world rather than judgment, we create what Carl Rogers called "unconditional positive regard." This builds what Amy Edmondson terms "psychological safety," the foundation for meaningful connection where people feel safe to share without fear of judgment.
Strengths Development: Studies show that people who know and use their character strengths are more engaged, perform better, and report higher levels of wellbeing. By helping your child identify these strengths through something they already love, you're teaching them emotional intelligence skills that will serve them for life.
Perspective Taking: When you genuinely ask "tell me more about that song choice" and listen without judgment, you're modeling emotional intelligence and showing your child that their inner world matters to you. This builds their capacity for self reflection and emotional awareness.
Understanding Character Strengths and the Song Scenario Game
The VIA (Values in Action) Survey identifies 24 character strengths that contribute to human flourishing, organized under six virtues: Wisdom, Courage, Humanity, Justice, Temperance, and Transcendence. These aren't talents or skills. They're the positive traits that reflect our deepest values and contribute to our sense of meaning and purpose.
Dr. Ryan Niemiec, Chief Science & Education Officer at the VIA Institute on Character and one of the world's leading researchers in character strengths, has shown through extensive research that when people know and use their character strengths, they experience greater wellbeing, resilience, and life satisfaction.
Strength spotting is the practice of noticing these strengths in action, in ourselves and others. When we spot strengths in our children, we help them see the best in themselves and understand how to leverage these qualities in challenging situations.
How the Song Scenario Game Works:
The beauty of this approach is its simplicity. You ask a scenario based "what song would you listen to if" question and follow up with genuine curiosity. Here are some starter scenarios:
What song would you play if you won the biggest game of the season?
What song would you play if you lost the biggest game of the season?
What song reminds you of summer?
What song reminds you of grandma?
What song would you play if your friend was really mean to you?
What song could you listen to over and over and never get sick of it?
What song would you send your best friend to cheer them up?
The magic happens in the follow up: "Tell me more about why you chose that song?" Then you listen, really listen, for the character strengths emerging in their explanation.
Real Examples: Spotting Character Strengths Through Music Choices
Let me share how this played out in my own family:
I asked my 8-year-old daughter, "What song would you play if you had a presentation at school coming up that you were nervous about?" I expected something about being brave or worthy. Instead, she chose "Gotta Get Your Hands Dirty" from "Rise of Red." We're currently deep in the Descendants universe in our household. The song talks about how if you want results, you have to put in the work.
Here I was thinking she'd lean on bravery, but instead she revealed her strength of perseverance, also known as grit. We ended up having a meaningful conversation about how confidence comes from preparation and the satisfaction of hard work.
Another morning, my extroverted 6-year-old son quietly shared that he felt lonely about starting a new school. When I asked what song helps him with loneliness, he said "Here Comes the Sun." His reasoning? "Everyone looks up and sees the same sun... we all are looking at the same one... so I know I'm not alone."
Can you spot the character strengths? I see perspective and spirituality, his sense of connection to something larger than himself.
Keep in mind, we talk about songs and the meaning of songs a lot in our family, so my kids have practiced this game quite a bit. At first they would give us "I don't know" answers. This takes time and practice and a sense of humor. "It's raining tacos" was the suggested song for any situation, to which I would point out their humor as a strength and then try to find ways to get “it’s raining tacos” out of my head.
Why This Positive Parenting Technique Works
This approach works because it flips the script from criticism to curiosity. Instead of "I hate your music," you're saying "I want to understand your inner world."
Research on parent child relationships consistently shows that feeling understood is one of the strongest predictors of closeness and trust. When you show genuine interest in something your child cares about, even if it's not your cup of tea, you're making what Dr. John Gottman calls a deposit in the "emotional bank account" of your relationship.
Moreover, by focusing on strengths rather than weaknesses, you're helping your child develop what psychologists call a "growth mindset," the belief that they have positive qualities they can build upon and develop.
Research by Dr. Barbara Fredrickson shows that positive emotions broaden our awareness and build lasting personal resources. When you approach your child's music with curiosity rather than criticism, you're creating positive emotions that strengthen your relationship over time.
Remember, adolescents use music for mood regulation, identity exploration, and social connection. When parents understand this function, they can appreciate music choices as coping strategies rather than just preferences.
Addressing Common Concerns and Getting Started
"Isn't this just permissive parenting?" This approach isn't about abandoning your values or standards. You can still have conversations about explicit content or concerning themes while simultaneously showing curiosity about what draws your child to certain music. Setting boundaries and showing interest aren't mutually exclusive.
"Some music really is harmful or inappropriate." Absolutely. This method works best when safety isn't a concern. For music with truly problematic content, use this as information gathering first. Understanding why they're drawn to certain themes helps you address underlying needs more effectively than outright bans.
"This takes too much time and effort." The time investment is minimal. One question during a car ride. Compare this to the time spent arguing about music choices or dealing with the fallout from dismissing their interests entirely.
Ready to Get Started?
Start Small: Try one scenario question during a car ride or casual moment
Stay Genuinely Curious: Your tone matters more than the question itself
Listen Without Judgment: Remember, you're exploring, not evaluating
Celebrate What You Discover: When you spot a strength, name it and celebrate it
Be Patient: Like any new skill, this takes practice for both you and your child
If your child gives you "I don't know" answers initially, that's normal. Start with easier questions about songs they obviously love. Sometimes asking "What's your current favorite song?" and then "What do you like about it?" is enough to get started.
The Long Term Impact of Musical Connection
What you're really doing through this music based strength spotting is teaching your child to recognize their own positive qualities, understand how their strengths help them navigate challenges, develop self awareness and emotional intelligence, and feel seen and valued for who they truly are.
And as a bonus? You might just discover that their "terrible" music isn't so terrible after all. It's a window into their developing character and a bridge to deeper connection.
Start with one simple question tonight and see where their music takes you both. You might be surprised by the treasures you discover in those "terrible" tunes.
Want a step-by-step guide with 50+ scenario prompts? Download the free guide
About the Author
Tricia Fox (she/her) is a singer-songwriter and thought leader in lyrics and wellbeing with a Master's degree in Applied Positive Psychology. Through facilitated songwriting and program development, Tricia helps individuals and communities enhance the human spirit through music and lyrics.